Little piles everywhere, including in my brain.

(PS I am writing this at 6 am, before anyone else is up. So I at least get that gold star...)

So, I'm having issues with organization. I can't believe that "just writing" can end up being such a complicated issue? For instance: Paper or computer? If I do paper, well, all i have to do is haul a notebook around with me, but there will be no way to share should I feel that I have something share-worthy to write. How do I attach photos? Do I want to attach photos? Small problem, but seems to be an issue for me. If I do it on the computer, do I use a journaling site? A blog? Do I automatically set it to share EVERYTHING? Can I set it to do otherwise? And do I really feel like doing all of that research?

Well that's an easy on to answer. Hell no!  No research, that would assume that I knew what I was doing to begin with. And here is where I become frustrated with myself! Why can't I take the time to do research and do something right? Why do I feel that all it ever does is bog me down. It makes me feel like I am simply skimming along in life, not really bothering to get the most out of any experience, but rather rushing ahead to simply get the gist so that I can get to the doing part and check it off my list as "been there, done that". But in the end, I haven't! Half of the doing of something can often be the preparing, the learning of it, the knowing why and how so that you can get the fullness of it while it is being done.  I would think that raising chickens, for instance, would be much more interesting, not to mention successful, were I to do some reading up on them. Learn what breeds do better in certain circumstances. Perhaps there are REASONS they need that special roost and not just because it looks better in the back yard. Maybe there are simple ways to prevent common problems that could develop into real issues.  My gut reaction is to buy the chickens, THEN build the roost, then possibly learn from everything I've done wrong, but most likely just give up because it all seems hopeless and pointless as they make a mess of yard, annoy the neighbors, and start keeling over from mystery illnesses.

To be fair, why I don't like to research is that it takes TIME. Time that I would rather spend enjoying the outcome, that in my imagination will be rosy and perfect and all work out for the best if it is meant to be. I also seem to get easily bogged down. The first "option" that comes around will throw me for a loop. How do I know which is better? Do I have the time to try them all? What in the heck does that word mean? Is it important? Does it matter? DO I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND PICK OR JUST IGNORE AND JUMP IN?

A vicious cycle. Which results in, half the time, me not doing ANYTHING, researched or not!

I need to be more dedicated to the journey and not just focus on the destination.

Okay.  I think that is it.  I need to spend more time thinking and learning. I need to SLOW down. God, that raises my blood pressure just thinking that.  "I CAN'T!" my brain screams, "I have only a set amount of time before the kids take over my life every afternoon, and that set amount of time has to be shared with house work, food prep, errand running, "me time" (aka The Gym), exercising the dog, getting dressed, trying to play at cleaning my house so that I am not distracted by my seeming failure to be a good mom/wife. If I'm gonna have chickens in this lifetime, it needs to be now or never! (why chickens? No idea. I do not want chickens.)

Bingo, herein lies my problem.

I am distracted by all that I have and trying to keep it from falling in on itself. I am distracted by the clutter that is house and my life. My house is too small for all that I find important to have. My life is to cluttered up with what I think it should be to see it for what it is.  However, we are not in the market to up-size (at least, not seriously) and I know for a FACT that all that I have is not truly that important to my happiness. And I know that what my life IS, is perhaps just what it should be at this point in time.

So lets start on the concrete for now. My house.  Maybe, instead of quitting something every Thursday, like Bob Goff, I need to quit my house of something every day.  And there must be a distinction between getting rid of, and putting away. This house has no closets. The floor space is maxed out and all chests, drawers, boxes are full. So where do I start? A room a day?  A wall? A corner?

Knowing me, this is how it will go. I will start in a corner of the living room where there dwells a rolling cart we use as a coffee table (we do not need a coffee table, nor do we really have room for it, but it was a project I had to do, and far from selling it as I had hoped, it now resides in said corner). It is covered in crocheting supplies and coffee table books that I thought it would be fun for the kids to go through. The kids have not noticed the books at all. I will stuff the crochet stuff back in the suitcase. There, easy, done. I will then pick up the books and stand there in the middle of my living room for several minutes, books in my arms, perhaps turning in circles as I eye the glutted armoire, the packed-to-capacity bookshelf, the matching pile of coffee table books that exist on the chest/end table of the other couch (yes, three couches in this room, getting the picture?) Will I bite the bullet and return ALL of these books to Good Will, whence most of them came? Most likely I will try and rearrange the bookshelf at the other end of the room. This will lead me to wonder what to do with the treasures that also reside on these shelves. I have read most of these books and keep them because I love them and would like to be able to have them to share with others. Some of them I have not read yet. They called to me once, but have been silent since taking up residence in my house (I do not know why that is, it is weird. But if I do not read a book immediately upon it's purchase, it quickly loses its voice and I forget it is there and why I wanted to read it in the first place...reason #359,493 not to hoard. Except - I really like those books. I actually have hopes of a large bookshelf someday. And isn't hoarding books just another way of saying "I have a library"? And what is so bad about that? Maybe I should start with the box on the bookshelf instead...) There is a really cool wooden box on that shelf that upon opening up I will most likely find a whole bunch of "Stuff" that was too cool to throw out or give away last time I cleaned off this shelf, but that I have forgotten about for at least a year, meaning it should be gotten rid of now...but --- it's probably sea glass, or cool shells, or lavender wands from two years ago or some stupid Pinterest craft that I made and spent too much money on to simply throw away.  So I will gather it up and take it out to the shop, where I will try to incorporate it into my crafting drawers...and so on and so on and so on. By the time I have to leave for spin class, I will have never gotten around to eating breakfast, I will have left a path of destruction through my living room and out to the shop and will have only one or two books in my Pile To Be Gotten Rid Of.  Which I will promptly place back on the cart in a neat pile with hopes that I will remember to grab them to put in a Good Will pile when I find a bag.....

Wow, that was fun.

Of course, now I know the warning signs, maybe I can plow through it without all of that drama.

Maybe I should start with breakfast.